Reaching out

Changing lines

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 21:39:10 GMT

Yep.. I've got complaints alright. Friends have been saying that i write too many depressing things. A note to self, complaints received. I have no idea why i decided to write this now.... Its like 5 am in the morning, and i've spent the whole night going through my maths stuff... Crazy stuff. Oh well, can't really blame anyone, not that good at maths anyway.

Here and now.... I wish i could share all my joy and blessing with the rest of you, but i'm not at liberty at the moment. I want to tell the whole world how happy and how fulfilling i've been for the past month because so much have happened to me that i could never have imagined nor prepared for. But I have to stop just right there, I can tell, but i can't tell why. Suffice to say, every moment i am passing through now, i just hope i have double the time :)

Perhaps i shall share what really makes me happy :)

Sharing moments (any moment that you can think of) with the person you love. Being able to care for the person you love. To be able to tell the person that you love anything and everything and have the chance to listen to all they have to say. To pat them on the head and tell them everything will be ok. To share their burdens and hardship. To embrace their strengths and accept their weaknesses. To wake up every morning and see their face, wishing them 'Good morning'. To cook their favourite food. To suprise them. To know that they still appreciate what you did although your suprise didn't really suprise them at all :P. To hold their hands close to your heart and tell them 'Its beating for the both of us'. To argue over something and get over it knowing that we understand each other better now. To face challenges together. To watch the sunrise and sunset together. To grow old together. Not dying before your life partner... and the list goes on.

But i get the tendency to doubt what i have.... I always ask myself, 'Do i really deserve all these? If i do, why? If i don't, why?' Sounds contradictory to my own beliefs... but i tend to think like this. Perhaps i think too much for my own sake :) Now? I no longer doubt myself.

A few nights ago, I made a decision. I'll admit that it wasn't a decision that i thought i would make at this time and age. But i won't regret it, and i will honor it. I am sure that i made the right decision. To be able to admit the decision in front of you, was my greatest blessing. God willing, I pray i'll be given the strength and wisdom to carry out my decision till the end :)

I am changing lines..... for the better, for the future. :)

Coming about

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 17:32:48 GMT

Here is anoher story that I want to share.

There used to be an angel that worked for God. The angel was very efficient in dealing with every task that was set by God, but he had a drawback - The angel was very impatient and he tend to do rush a lot when he does something. One day, God sent this angel to bring him a particular snail. The angel set out immediately and with his personality, found the snail with a sweat. The angel told the snail that God wanted to see him and that he was sent here to lead him to God. The snail agreed and the angel led the way. The angel flew a distance away before looking back and realizing that the snail was not behind him, so he flew all the way back only to realise that the snail had only moved a portion away from where he originally was. The angel asked the snail, 'Is this the fastest that you can crawl?' The snail replied with a smile saying, 'yes, but i will try to move faster.' The snail continued to crawl, only a bit faster than his original speed but was it was still intolerable by the angel. Along the way, they passed through a forest. It was green, cool and refreshing. The angel felt the sensation to be quite new to him as he has never seen a forest before. So, he asked the snail of their present location. 'Well dear angel, this is a forest. The trees breath out to us as we breath in to them, they sustain all the different life you will see here. Have you not seen this place before?' The angel replied in a soft voice, 'Why NO!! Why have i not seen this forest before, i've been travelling this road up and down a thousand times before, yet i have never experienced what i am experiencing now.' They continued on their journey and along the way, the angel saw all kinds of different animals that he has never seen before. The elegance of the swan, the proudness of the lions, the cunning of the foxes, the singings of the birds, the savagery of the tigers, and many many more. At long last, both the snail and the angel arrived before God. God thanked the snail and sent him back to where he came from. The angel, feeling strange, asked God what was the purpose of leading the snail to him. God replied, 'it wasn't the snail who i wanted to go through that journey, it was you.'

Another really old story i stored up in my mind. So, what would you think the moral or thoughts of this story should bring? Feel free to blast open in the comments section.

Of course... of which part of my blog would be complete without me adding a few comments of my own right? To me... it simply means that we shouldn't rush about things and to only look at the goal. Sometimes, the journey is more important and more rewarding than the outcome. The outcome is simply just that, an outcome. If it is good, it is an added bonus. If it doesn't, at least you still gained something from your journey right? By journey, i don't just mean a long trip. A journey can mean a variety of things. Like your job, your friends, doing things together as a team... I'll leave that to your imagination. I completely agree with this because i am a person who looks toward what i will gain DURING the journey, but not AFTER the journey. Of course, i will be extra happy if i get what i want, but if i don't, i still haven't lost right? When i say 'coming about' on my title, i really mean coming about. If i were to put it into a metaphor, it would be like 'I reached the tip point in my life, dropped all the way down to zero, than sprinted all the way up again in the span of 12 hours'. (Horrible metaphor i know)

Either way, there is extra meaning to what i said up top, and i hope you would understand (yeah you, you know i'm talking about you). Those 12 hours were the longest 12 hours i've ever had in my life, longest.....

Memoirs

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 04:10:53 GMT

I want to share a story.

One evening, a very rich businessman was walking down the beach. He saw a fisherman and his grandson sitting by the white sand enjoying the sunset. The businessman approached the fisherman and they began to talk. The businessman asked the fisherman, 'why don't you catch more fish so you can earn more money?'. The fisherman replied the businessman, 'what would i do then with the extra money?'. 'Well, you could buy a bigger boat so you can catch more fish and earn yet even more money.' 'And what would i do then?' replied the fisherman once again. 'Then you can use the extra money to set up a small shop in which you can buy fish from other fishermen and sell them off at a higher price and earn even more money.' And so, the cycle repeated, with the fisherman continously asking what he would do with the extra money, and the businessman suggested he open a market next, than a company, and eventually be the CEO of a multinational corporation, just like him. Towards the end, the fisherman asked the businessman, 'Now that i am a CEO and have all the money i need, what should i do?' The businessman replied, 'well, now that i am so rich i don't have to earn more money, i can take my grandsons down the beach and enjoy the sunset.' The fisherman replied, 'well sir, isn't that what i am doing now with my grandson?'

I am not sure if you would get the moral of the story, but i guess it will be up to you to figure it out. There are quite a few lessons that can be learnt through this story. The businessman tried so hard in his life to earn so much money, but in the end all he wanted was to spend time with his family. Do you really need a lot of money for that to happen? I'm not implying that we don't need money in our life, because we all do, this is a society that uses paper bouched with confidence in order to do trade. A person can't be naive enough to say, 'I don't need any money, all i need is my family.' You can't feed your family with words alone. What i am trying to say is, there is no need to be too extreme, because sometimes in the process? We tend to lose out on things we never even realise, not even until it is too late...

The reason in me bringing up this story is because somehow deep inside of me, i feel depressed. It is as if everything just jumbled up into one big blot of confusion and uncertainty. As i said before again and again, uncertainty is the one thing i don't like, albeit i have to face them everyday.

But again, i can't really blame the businessman, he strived so hard to earn so much money, but the end game in his mind was to spend time with his family after all. I can't say he is selfish and unloving, because he did what he did so he could ensure the future of his family. In another sense, he would prove to be more responsible than the fisherman, because all the fisherman wanted was to be with his family, without taking further consideration of how his family could have becomed should he have worked harder. I know i'm getting all emo and stuff.... but just bear with me for a moment?

Now i'm guessing that you should be wondering what does my title have to do with all that pile of crap on top. The truth? There is nothing above that links to my title. As of now, i feel horrible. As i think back on the people who always confered with me whenever they had problems like this, perhaps i need someone to talk to, but i don't want to tell them anything... i just want them to know straight on what was happening without me saying a word. Sounds stupid, ridiculous and idiotic. But that is how i feel. I don't feel like talking, but i feel like showing. All my life, i have made decisions, but i guess nothing could have compared to the one i made not too long ago. I hate myself at times.... I mean, WHY THE HELL SHOULD I CARE??? The selfish thought of 'as long as i am content, why should i care about you?', why can't i practise that thought? Some of my friends were able to do it.... why can't i? I WANT TO BE SELFISH!!!

Experience

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 04:10:01 GMT

As i approach the one month marker of my stay here in Hong Kong, i'm having the feeling that things have started to get out of hand. Not that i mean that in a bad way, but rather the fact that i don't know where am i headed to.

I guess my friend was right, i've been trying to relate everything here to what i know and what i feel close to back home. But the fact is, nothing here is the same. People change, I change. We just can't relate everything we don't know to something we know just because we want to feel better or have the feeling that everything will be fine. That is just not the way, or at least i feel it isn't the right way to go to.

I've always been a strong figure to myself and to my friends at times. Some would seek me out for advice, some would just seek me out to displace their problems. Those times, no matter how busy, no matter how tired, no matter how close am i to a deadline without having done a single piece of job, i would be willing to put them down to listen and to offer my help. To this respect, perhaps i have been thought as someone as disorganized and unfulfilling. Someone that will be never be able to prioritize the most important things in my life. They say, the very fact that because i am as equal and good to everyone as i try to be, i'll never be able to reach the next step. The next step being having a soulmate. Have i proven them wrong?

But now that i think of it.... I... perhaps they were right after all. I'm having the selfish feeling that i only want to use my time for one thing, and one thing alone. I don't want to be sidetrack by being good, or by being over helpful. To what extent am i willing to do so without sacrificing my own wants? I can be selfish at times, i can be hard headed and i can be very bad tempered. These things i know. Should i change?

It has always been my nature to doubt myself and everything i tend to do. But now... all that have changed... Is it because i feel that i have someone beside me to share these problems with me? Another problem that i am coming to.... Friends tell me all the time that i am being selfish to the fact that i hardly ever share my problems with them. In a letter one of my friend wrote to me once, said 'Between the 3 of you (the 2 others being my other friends), you are the one i worry the most. You never let us help you deal with your personal problems and you never ever cry. I know you don't want us to worry, but at times, not telling us is worrying us even more.' I understand.... I really do.

But i can't help myself to share some of the problems that i have because i know i don't have the right to add extra trouble for them to the already every troubled everyday experience that we all have. Why should all suffer when i alone will suffice? But that WAS me.... Is it the me now? I don't want this to be the 'me' now, because... well, lets just say i don't want to keep things from.... you.

I wasn't kidding when i say that my heart was beating for 2 person everytime it beats. I don't want to hold you too close as i am afraid of chaining you, but i also don't want to let you go too far because i am afraid the bridge will collapse. Being sensitive? Nah... just me being crazy... Experience? What kind do i have to base them on? This is out my reach.... Funny to say since my whole blog has been named Reaching Out...

Reasoning

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 05:14:04 GMT

For what purpose should we base reason on?

Isn't it always the case where we ignore the rational and attempt the irrational in order to fulfill an unimaginable amount of uncertainty?

By coming here, i have taken a great risk. A risk that far surpasses the very foundation i base my thinkings on. I have failed in my scholarship application for the extra 120,000. I took a bet, and it backfired. With greater force. For this instance, i feel that Newtons third law does not apply....

The question rises, what am i doing here? The very simplicity of this question raises an unimaginable amount of doubt and distrust to myself. I tell myself there are other ways out, i tell myself and others that nothing is impossible, but i don't even believe what i say!!! As if my famiy is not burden enoughed, and by telling them i don't have the extra scholarship.... I don't have the courage to check my mail anymore. With that in mind, i hate to tell myself that i have to forego all that i have here now. 3 weeks may sound short... I just don't want to lose everything here. Sounds selfish i know.

In the very instance that all these happened, something good came out of it. I'll perhaps use another way to express this. Within this very instance, my heart beats faster than ever before. It is as if every heart beat is beating for 2 people. A feeling that i have not felt for a very long time. The feeling i want to hold on to forever, never letting it leave my side, never letting it feel sadness but only happiness. Everything feels like a purpose now, there is no reason involved, i only want to put unlimited amount of time in it, and wish that it would stay with me side by side till the end of times.

I am not being weak, feeble or exploited. For everything in me tells me that this is right. Possibly nothing else can be as more right than this.

In a word, love.

Reasons? There shouldn't be one. It is the attempt to understand everything through reason that destroys the foundation of being rational. Perhaps it's just that, rational and reasons don't come hand in hand. Or perhaps, i am clouded by my own bias of everything, a bias of myself unable to believe what i should believe.

For now, let me live in the present with this feeling, i ain't care about no past, and i ain't afraid of no future. Let them come.... it is always inevitable.

A day trip to Hong Kong island

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 15:10:55 GMT

WHAT A DAY!!

Stanley market > Repulse bay(Chim Shui Wan) > Dinner on a boat > Victoria peak

That was our road trip for the day. Boy, was it HOT!! Anyway... i don't have most of the pictures at the moment, i only have pictures of Victoria Peak, and even those aren't very clear. When i get the rest from my friends, i will upload them here.

I had a great time today :) Tired, but great. I really want to emphasize on dinner time. It was just hilarious and fantastic. You might think that we are pretty close minded, since all 10 of us Malaysians sit together, but that was definitely not the case. In fact, we got to meet more people through our communionship, and took many funny pictures together, most of which were not on my camera.... But rest assured, i'll get them soon enough, and you guys can check out soon for them.

Anyway... i really can't words to describe today. Will just have to wait for pictures then.

Orientation and a boat ride (and i thought it was a cruise :O)

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 17:20:48 GMT

The day started fairly early for me, woke up pretty early in the morning, but as i had nothing to do, just lazed off much of my time. My only activity started after 11. At 11.15am, there was a seminar at LT-C about scholarly writing. Basically it means that we have to acknowledge other writers as we use their content for our own research and writing. I would believe this to be common sense, but we hear of professors from the news from time to time that their work are based on pledgerism and their PhD's are revoked, and their professorship renounced. Anyhow, funny lecturer made it an interesting seminar, much to my expectation. I hope all future lessons will be the same :)

Right, so shortly after that, our orientation program started at room 2407 for 2 hours. Basically, its mostly a talk for us to understand how things work around here, what are the DO's and what are the DO NOT's. Common sense really, really helpful lecturers and professors are always around to help if you come across any trouble or require assistance. They were also really strict about 1 thing about the student halls though, NO ALCOHOL!! Well, i guess we won't be having our drinking parties organized around the student halls. Right, end of orientation program.

Here comes the exciting part.

5.15 pm. We all gathered near the entrance piazza and were lead by some peer mentors and officers from the IMSPO onto a bus and headed to THE ARENA OF STARS! It is mainly a tourist attraction near victoria harbour, and you can have a clear view opposite of Hong Kong island. Beautiful sight indeed. I took some pictures here, but unfortunately, my camera went of out juice and i had to resort to using my phone. I'll need some time to photoshop the photos that i have taken from my phone since the quality from them is near unbearable. Give me some time there ok? Then i will upload them onto this blog. Well then, back to the the little excursion. The arena of stars translates into chinese “星光大道”. Throughout the lanes, there are many famous actors who lay down their hand prints into the cements in the floor. People can touch them, step on them and take pictures of the handmarks. The other thing to note about this place is the fantastic view, especially in the night. As i have mentioned, this is just opposite Hong Kong island, so, when night falls, you get to see the night lights of all the buildings and they give a spectacular view. We walked our way to pier 3, and boarded a small ferry. To date, this has got to be the rockiest ride of my life. For me, it was ok, but to many others, they got sea sick and the original plan had to be changed. Originally, we would have to stay on the boat for at least 4 hours. Considering the fact that many people were getting very uncomfortable, a change of plans. The boat steered to just outside Disney Land (YAY!!), had dinner on the boat, watched some spectacular fireworks (which of course i had recorded them with my phone, sadly), and got off. Walked a roughly 15 minute distance where our bus was waiting for us and went back to HKUST.

I know words can be boring when it comes to things that people really want to see pictures and clips and stuff... But bear with me for the moment, i will not humiliate myself and my blog for uploading poor quality photos :P Give me a few days to photoshop them, and when they are deemed worthy, you'll see them on this blog.

Nights up, got to wake up early tomorrow. Check back often!!

Hong Kong

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 08:02:25 GMT

Need i explain the title?

Well, this is how it went yesterday. Arrived at the Hong Kong International Airport at 11am. By the time we got out of the customs office and got our bags, it was slightly before 12pm. Me and my dad got onto a taxi and started our half an hour journey to HKUST. I got my first cantonese lesson from the driver. Apparently in Hong Kong, they don't say ‘下水’(in cantonese), they say '下雨' (in cantonese). So, arrived at HKUST, checked in to the hostel, put down my bags and got to the admissions office to take care of the relevant stuff, yada yada...

By the time everthing is done, it was nearly 5pm. My father left the campus and i went back to my room to try to set up my WIFI as i needed internet access as soon as possible. Need i say it was the most painful thing i've ever done to date. But this was mostly caused by my lack of ability to read the dam screen on my student ID pass. Stupid me :P I kept thinking that my username is my student ID number, when it clearly states that i need to apply for a username at the nearest express station (stations that are allocated throughout the campus). There i was, throwing about in front of my laptop, bluring out curses and stuff. What a way to start my new life here at HKUST :P

Anyway, a bit later, we went out with our seniors to Kowloon to get some necessities. For me, i just got myself a pillow as i didn't have space to pack one into my bag. It cost me HKD 189.90. Then, i bought an octopus card. It is essentially the Hong Kong version of the Touch & Go card, but it can be used at so many more places, such as restaurants, shops, and a lot more. Hong Kong has taken the 'less cash' attitude to a far greater level compared to Malaysia. It cost me HKD 150, and the card is preloaded with HKD 100 inside. Next up, got myself a new phone card, HKD 48, preloaded with exactly HKD 48 inside. For those who still don't know my number, and if you're from Malaysia, you need to dial 00852 followed by my number, which is 62581531. To make it look easy, just dial 0085262581531 if you're from Malaysia.

Well than. For today, nothing much really. There was suppose to be a 2 hour orientation cum ice breaking ceremony today at 10am. But it got cancelled by the level 8 typhoon warning that was broadcasted on television this morning. As of now, it has been upgraded to a lvl 10 typhoon. Seriously guys, the winds here can really blow you off your feet if you're not careful. For the first time in my life, i have experienced the full power of mother nature right in front of me. No... it is no laughing matter if that is what you're doing :P

I also met up with the rest of the Malaysian freshmen today. There are 10 of us, including 1 that haven't arrived yet. Her plane got cancelled because of the storm today. Pity her... Either way, i'm going to log out now, i'll try to upload photo's during my next session. Miss you all :)

PS: call me, MSN me, voice mail me, whatever ok? :)

Counting down

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 18:32:21 GMT

3 days to go.

People keep asking me how do i feel... its so freaking hard to answer them you know =_=

In a way, everything is jumbled up into 1 big pile of uncertainty and unknowing. Its really something that kills me, i can't take uncertainty. All my life, i prepare for things, i never walk into a room without the answers or the at the very least 'the way to get answers'. With all my stuff packed and ready to go, the only thing left is to really physically go there. Its been so long since i've been there, and i have no idea how much has it changed.

One thing really concerns me though... Back in my secondary years, i've at times gotten the opportunity to try things i never dreamed of trying. Being given the chance to perform, to excel, to supercede my seniors. Will i be the same over there? Or will i just be another student among its many others who are vastly academically superior to me. To be honest, i'm actually suprised i got accepted into this University with my results. Not to mention getting a scholarship in my hand, and another coming up when i arrive. I've always wondered... What was it in my application that really dazzled them? I still remember the day when the professor called me personally and interviewed me. I never would have believed that 3 days after that, a letter arrived at my door step, addressed to me. "Congratulations! You have been accepted into Hong Kong University of Science of Technology.'

That was about 4-5 months ago. It all seemed not too long ago, and now i'm about to leave home, probably for a long time, being alone on my own, surviving in a city of such pace and strength where the weak really gets totalled. The challenge and arena is set, and its all up to me to stake it up.

I am so going to miss everyone here, friends and family who i have bonded with over the years. It was never easy for me to understand the true value of family and friendship, but now that i do, i find it hard to comprehend the loss of not being around most of you anymore. If fate permits, let us meet again, if not, all of you will always have a permanent place in my heart. Be it family or friends. Because without either, my life would never be as colouful as it once did. Would i say goodbye? No, i will not, i will say, see you all again :)

Bragging rights

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 15:40:29 GMT

Lets get straight to the point. I AM VERY TIRED!!!

But it is finally DONE, DONE and DONE!! 3 days, 3 nights, lots of 100 plus and energy drinks later, it is done. You ask what?

A flash presentation.

Not really flashy ain't it? What? You were expecting gunfight or some dramatic scene where you get to see me drown in blood and agony? :P Well, TOO BAD!! Thats all you can get.

3 days ago, i got voluntereed to do a multimedia presentation for MCPF (Malaysian Crime Prevention Foundation). The first question i had was, can i do it in powerpoint? The answer? 'No, we want something of a higher quality'. So, i resorted to using Windows Movie Maker at first, only the realise its functions were really limited and i couldn't do a lot of advanced editting. I bugged a good friend of mine in which i hope he gets credit for this work to share his expertise in Flash. Thats when all the pain, horror and agony started. For the first 45 seconds of editting, it took us what? 6 hours? Something like that. 6 hours work for 45 seconds worth of a clip. Thats not even finished!! After that, my friend made the most startling discovery that made me smack myself in the head. 'We could have just used powerpoint to do what we did in the last 6 hours in just 15 minutes, because we could just use a video capturing software to record the presentation and then export it into a .avi file.' At that point, i was like, ZOMGWTFPWNED, Why the hell did we not think about it 6 hours earlier? :(

But we continued.

And continued.

Sleepless nights made me hard to concentrate at work, since i was constantly trying to fall asleep. But i managed through. My previous record of 5 unslept nights still remains unbroken, and i had no idea how i got through it in the first place, not to mention remember why i endured 5 whole nights.

Fact aside, the presentation is complete. It will be presented tomorrow to the 'top brass' to evaluate and assess it, chances are, i'll be needed to make some changes when it comes back.

Now, questions. MCPF maybe an NGO, but it has been around for 15 years, and has been cooperating with many government and private sectors in an effort to fight crime. It makes me hard to believe that they cannot find a qualified IT expert to do the freaking JOB!! Hm... wait, i think i am leaving out some important pointers here. The presentation? It is for the National Crime Prevention Month that will be launched next month on the 23rd. Guess who is officiating the launch? Our lovely PM. That means, he is actually going to watch my presentation. The only think i hope now is that i don't make a fool out of myself...

Enough said, i need sleep.

Disgruntled

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 15:11:12 GMT

As i grow closer to the date where i leave for a new life, the more unsettling i get. Reading my friends' blog suggest that it is going to be hard to say goodbye. Will it be hard for me? Will i miss everything i have here?

At my current state, my work gives me no time to think about things that should happen to me. In a way, i feel comforted, that i don't have to face reality as soon as i thought i would face them. But when it comes to that day, will i be truly prepared? Maybe i should feel lucky that i don't have to deal with this so early. Perhaps i am doing what i do best all the time, running away from my fear... just like i did years back.

But don't be mistaken, i am not sad to go where i am going, nor am i dissapointed. I just don't like the feeling of leaving so many things behind in order to pursue something that i may or may not have in the future. What i have now is what i have, what the future have in store for me... well, its the future right? Oh god dam it... why am i being paranoid now? Is there a basis for my fear?

Perhaps it could be this... the one reason why i'd hate to leave things as it is. Things between me and her. I can't say it ever started, but i can't say it ever ended either. Do i really want to accept the reality that she will never accept me for who i am? Is that what i want? What she wants? Must i tell myself that by really forgetting her, by giving myself the chance the accept another what i really want? Is it what i really want?

Debacle questions, confusing answers, unknown outcomes. I just call it 'The miracle of life'.

Reviewing mistakes

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 14:00:54 GMT

By any chance, the next few weeks seem to be more ardous than ever!! Perhaps its the thought that i'll be leaving my work really soon that makes me on edge. I feel displaced... well, slightly. I'm just concerned that the work i have started won't get finished, or the fact that some work that i had already done will go unnoticed, or even forgotten for times to come. It is discomforting.

I could probably think of 2 possible reasons. One, i am being an eglomaniac. Two, i am just simply being responsible. Honestly? I don't know the difference between the 2 anymore. Sometimes, i think that what i do is boring and pointless. Why do i spend so much time getting myself on edge or on my own nerves for the sake of others? I know its the job, but i could have always chosen an easier job right? I could have just found something easier and it even pays more than my current salary. But for some reason, i feel that it has become my obligation to help these children, to help them seek out knowledge, to help them seek out themselves and what they would hope to find for each other. Because somehow... deep down inside, that was something i happen to be missing when i was at their age.

You know.. the other day, as i was looking through some old photo's during my secondary years, i've comed to realise the vain fact that i have no pictures of myself or any of my friends from primary. Its as if, i have completely forgotten them so to speak. I can still remember some of their names, but i don't remember any of their characteristics anymore... None of them. Then, i realise that my joyous years in secondary were too fast spent while my years in primary seemed like an eternity in hell. I yearn for my times back when i was in secondary, back when i was in the badminton team, back when i could set eyes on the person i admire and actually tell myself to keep quiet about it too. But, was it a mistake to forget about my primary years? Because as much as i don't like it, i have to admit that without my failures during my primary years, i would not have becomed the person i am today. In a way, it was my failures as a child that lead me to develop into a mature teenager now... not very admirable or comforting i'm sure, but THAT is the fact!! And NOTHING i do can change it, i mean nothing.

It is not everyday i come to say something about this... perhaps i am getting a little over myself recently. For once, and i mean it, i need R & R. A long one indeed.

Birthday party :)

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 14:40:56 GMT

What a day!!

Great party i must say. I had lots of fun today. Hope you guys did too.

In a way, i feel like i can't write about this event in a blog. I know that i have to record it somewhere to make sure memories like this never get wiped out. But at the same time, i feel that the feelings and emotions i had today cannot be substituted onto words alone. I was hoping that pictures could do the job, but i HAD to forget about my camera... Sigh. At the least, ZZ brought his camera :) (Thank god)

In a few months time, most of us will be away. Including me. The prospect of travelling to Hong Kong is appealing and it excites me to the limit. At the same time, it scares the living shit out of me as well :P I love adventure, but the unkown part of things is also what excites me. Unknown variables scare me, but it helps me to get prepared, because i like to get prepared for things i don't understand, things i don't know. It makes me feel that i have a certain purpose to attain, to achieve. Something worth living for in a matter of speaking.

When i get the pictures off ZZ, i'll be posting them onto this blog, be sure to check back often for the pictures :)

Cheers to all

(PS. I'm still waiting for Wens party to commence :P)

Old memories

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 08:52:44 GMT

Yesterday, i returned to my former school for a celebration of teachers day. It was something initiated by my old class of senior 3 science and agreed promptly to return and meet my old teachers, as well as some friends. I arrived slightly around 9am, the events had already started and most of my classmates were not to be seen around. Oh well, i should have known about their punctuality when it comes to time. Aside from that, it was pretty nice chatting to my old teachers and meeting the badminton team now. It feels like everything is so different and so much has changed. Don't take me wrong though, change is good, change is what makes people mature and grow up differently, i just never thought that this change would have been so fast and unexpected.

Coincidentally, i met up with her.

Not to say that i didn't expect it, but it caught me by suprise.

For half a year now, my first sighting of her.

She didn't change much, still pretty, long hair, charming, dazzling, loving and her ever elusive smile. Only then did i realise how much i really do miss her and still have feelings for her. We chatted for a while, i asked her to my party, she said she would try to come. Well, it could be hard, considering its a Saturday and its a schooling day for her. But she said, she would try. I never dared myself to look at her eyes for more than 2 seconds, what a coward! I never got around to asking whether she is in a relationship with someone or not, nor got the courage to ask whether someone is pursueing her or not. I'm in a state of unknown. It scares me a lot. Have i lost out? Has someone else already succeeded in winning her heart? I honestly don't know, and for the sake of it, i don't really want to know. I fear the answer i seek will consume me from the inside out without me even knowing it. Why am i so persistent? But it all comes down to this, i never even told her how much i missed her... and the fact is, my conversation with her.... well, it wasn't even a conversation say to speak. She was with her friends, and it was more of me asking questions about the badminton team anyway. A lie to sooth myself, a way of making myself believe that i have gone through the worst of times. But when i slow down and think of it, i realise how good i've been at lying to myself that i didn't even realise it until its too late. But i was true to the part that i never dared look at her eyes. In 2 months time, i'll be gone. Thats easy enough, i have the plane tickets and i can just fly off. But what if my feelings for her never go away? Will 4 years be enough... or will i end up coming back and reliving my history for times to come.... is it really a choice for me to make? Is it really even a choice?

Memories... i feel them living inside of me. And. She is in most of them.

Everything seems so long ago

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 10:53:39 GMT

Yesterday night was peaceful :)

A peace that i haven't really experienced for some time now. It feels kind of void, and i'm missing out words that i normally would have used in typing a blog. I guess its been really some time since i really stretched my head to write something long and ardous for you guys to read. I honour the notion that i should start using "lah's" in my text to make it more home feeling :P

To be absolutely honest, its been a long time since i really had some kind of contact with the outside world since that incident of mine involving lawyers and legal councills. It was tiring and sort of boring, but it had to be done, for the safety of my family and perhaps some of my closest friends, it just had to be done. But i'm glad thats over now. You know la... These kinds of things bore people down to an insanity point where they break open and tear apart every stretch of humanity they have left in them.

But yesterdya night, that was totally different. The conversation was fluid, and i trust everyone has matured enough to take responsibility for what they say now. Its been a whole lot different to talk yesterday than to talk then. But without the past, we will never be who we are. I honour my past, feel excited about my future and take complete control of my present. Its how i live, and how i will live. Its really as simple and as hard as that. I really miss all of you, while the most of you are embarking on a whole new journey to further strengthen your knowledge and integrity, some of you might still be searching for whats best for you to take upon as a responsibility. I believe that too will play a part in your future, and for whats it worth, choose it well.

For me, perhaps i have made my choice. If all goes well, August 20th will be the day i set foot on new soil and take upon challenges that i would never have forseen ahead of me as i strive to succeed in a way that i hope i can still be morally correct. For me, an education is well... an education. It helps define who i am, but it doesn't make me who i am. To all my friends out there, your education level reflects much of your maturity. As we go on higher and higher, our maturity level goes up with it. To me, education helps me to be a person i want to be, but i won't let it dictate what i will be. For in me, i already have a person in mind to who and what i'm going to be. Its just that i hope i can keep on it, and for the rest of you, your own reason and dreams will be realised in a rational and suprising chain of events, much of which you will never start to notice until you have achieved your final goal. That, i believe, will go the same for me as well.

I look forward to meeting you all again on the 14th of June and of course, on 28th of June. See you all then. Thats all for now. (PS: If you don't have a dictionary with you now, i believe its time to tell yourself, I did it :P)

Soon from giving up

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 16:10:14 GMT

Give me reasons to go on walking forward. Give me reasons not to give up. Give me reasons to go on. Give me reasons to not just throw everything out of my life and live the way i want to. Take everything from me....

I always tell myself that i live in a good world. That i am given only the best, be they through friends, work and family. As much as i like to lie to myself about most of them, i find it hard to accept the fact that everything i've lived up to now will only go to waste if i don't give in now. Should i do the right thing and risk everything i treasure and love? Should i just accept a fault that i did not do just to appease everyone else? I don't know what i'm going through.. If this were me asking this question a few years ago, i would probably have just said, Oh hell, just do i want to do, I will never admit to something i never did. But this is not the case anymore, its not so simple or less complicated as things i have come onto before.

GOD DAM IT! I don't want to be a god, i want to be ME!! Why can't I be selfish? Why can't i just think of myself and what i want? I want to quit thinking for others. But i just can't. The very essence in me is telling me to think of a better way to solve this. BUT THERE IS NO BETTER WAY!! But I have to, i can't have it my way, but i can't let them have it their way too... Sometimes, i ask myself, what is really at stake here.. is it my pride? My honour? My way of life? My principles? Then again, will all these just be as useful if i just toss them out the window anyway?

The question lies in between morally wrong, or morally correct. Simply said, Lawful Good? Or Lawful evil? I am so not in a position to make these decisions anymore, yet one has to be made.

Sometimes, i feel like a bread. Spread with jam and butter, and people start chewing onto me, bit by bit, piece by piece, until i lose the very foundation of what i am to be.... Soon from giving up? Perhaps i already have... perhaps....

No day is perfect without a lie

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 14:42:17 GMT

I guess its time i conveyed what happened over the past few days. I owe it that much to the people who were worried about me.

That day, when i asked you guys out only to say 15 minutes later that i'm not ready to tell what was going on, the problem was this. I was in the middle of a lawsuit with a very powerful person. At least my whole family was in the lawsuit. We were sueing a particualr person up to 500k for unforfilling his part of the contract and denying us of our 0.2% commission, and using our name to apply for something that we would never have gave our consensus. Well, as it goes, things got ugly. As i said before, he is a powerful man, that is why we were receiving some threats. Threats at some point where it came to a part where lives were at stake. Forgive me saying this bluntly, but i truly cannot make this anymore easier for everyone to understand. You would know why someday. For the past few days, or rather weeks, as stated in my previous blog, fear was the only thing on my mind. Although the matter has not been settled at the moment, the only thing i am doing now is putting in enough courage to have my story known. Believe me when i say, don't try to help. Don't play hero, this is something our of our league... something i wish i didn't set foot on in the first place... Sigh, if only i knew.

If you think that was bad news... Hear this out. I went for a full medical check the past few days. My backache has been giving me sleepless nights for some time now, and i just took the initiative to check it out. Well... lets just say its not something very pleasant to know. I need further test to confirm this, but chances are, the outcome won't be very optimistic. Suprisingly, i feel nothing of this news. Perhaps, something not being too tied to relationships will help you easier to let go, as i have NOTHING to let go anyway. But, its just all speculation at the moment, my detailed report will be out on Saturday. Whichever way the report is going to say, for sure nothing will affect my friendship with you guys :) Have faith in me, please?

Afraid

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 12:46:22 GMT

Fear... A single word to explain all my current emotions and feelings.

In a state of mind, i fear everything around me now. Everything counts to my fear. Whenever i think of it, the only thing holding me back is the single thought that i have too many things left undone. Too many emotions left behind, too many feelings left unsaid. Should i choose to say and settle them, of course, i will no longer fear to face it. But at the same time, i cannot. To impose what i am facing at the moment is as much as a sin as just choosing to face it anyway. No, i don't understand what i am writing... Confused, afraid, nothingness...

When i said politics was dark, nothing deemed me ready to accept what i'm facing. Therefore i am afraid. I fear everything around me. This whole piece is about fear. I am losing courage as time passes me by. I'm losing my sanity and all i hold dear to myself as i go on. What if all of a sudden i disappear? Whats left of me will be this story and its masterpiece. All evidence of my existence could be gone by the next minute, a risk i have to take. No... that will not be so. Fear.... I cannot overcome it.

In light of all things mysterious and dark, i must brace myself for the storm up ahead. I must forge my steel to stay on course, 2 weeks. Its all i need. Give me strength for 2 weeks. Show me the way. Then perhaps, all will be good... or all could go stupidly wrong. Afraid.

I'm on the list

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 14:57:21 GMT

Well, as a start, apparently i was in the list of this questionnaire game that i'm supposed to answer :) I hope you all don't blame me, but i plan to answer this in english if you don't mind. I don't want to ruin the blog, but i will still put the questions in Chinese.

先来说说游戏规则吧~

A。被点到名字的要在自己的博客里写下自己的答案，然后去掉一个你最不喜欢的问题在补上一个你的问题，仍然组成20个问题，传给其他8个人，列出其他8个需要回答问题的人的名字，还要到这8个人的博客里留言通知对方——你被点名了！^^被点名者不得拒绝回答问题，完成游戏的人将会得到大家的祝福。

B。这8个人要在自己的博客里注明是从那里接到的，并且再传给其他8个人，让游戏继续下去，不得回传。被点到名字的人将会得到大家的祝福，并且所有美好的愿望都会在不久的将来实现。

1。你会怎样对待欺骗过你的人？

答：Honestly, i'm used to it. Don't really care, don't really matter. Perhaps some extra caution to that person will suffice.

2。这辈子最快乐的事是什么？

答：Up to now, the happiest thing in my life is having met all the people that i know.

3。给你一个愿望你会想要什么？

答：Peace and respect. Well, the reason i write respect is that if everyone respects each other, no wars or conflict will happen.

4。如果被一个很要好的朋友出卖,你会怎么办?

答：Happened to me once, can't remember what i did, but from since then, i never trusted people easily, so, i never got the chance to be betrayed again.

5。你目前最想做的事情是什么？

答：To be a honorable person through education and educating.

6。最受不了自己的那个缺点？

答：Too naive.

7。如果有不开心的事情，你会怎么办？

答：Listening to loud music, play computer games for a minimum of 48 hours non stop.

8。最害怕失去的东西？

答：Myself

9。五年内比较现实的目标是什么？

答：Finish my education, get a job, save enough money to travel the world. Be a teacher.

10。电脑坏了，用一个物品形容自己的心情。

答：Lost my eyes. :P

11。说出点你名的人的三个优点？

答：Cute, responsible, always eager to help.

12。最想要感谢的人

答：Too many people to thank in my life, but only one that i will never be able to repay in this life, my Grandmother.

13。你喜歡你現在的生活嗎？

答：Could be better, but i have no complaints at the moment.

14。你最讨厌怎样的人？

答：People who pretend to know what they don't know.

15。有一天你爱的他/她离开你，你会……？

答：Well, in the context, when you say leave, does it mean he/she is dead, or has he/she found someone better? If it is the first, well, i'll mourn his/her death than go on with life for life must go on, i trust that will be his/her wishes as well. If it is the latter, nothing much i can do, if it is his/her choice, then i must respect it.

16。最喜欢。。。为什么？

答：Friends, because they are prove that i exist.

17。什么样的事情才会令你觉得人性很黑暗？

答：Politics

18。你觉得人生最重要的事情是什么？

答：To start living when you understand that death is unevitable.

19。对于孤单的应对？

答：I love it sometimes.

20。最关心自己的人是谁？除了家人。

答：If i were to put this into words, i'd say myself, but thats just me.

Well, those are the 20 questions, and i made one ammendment to a single question. Now, for the list that i'm suppose to pass this on. I may not have 8 names, but i hope that the names that i have in this blog will take these questions seriously.

1. Chen Pui Fun

2. Bai Lin

3. Puah Seng Ming

4. Hock Cheong Jun Quan

5. Goh Jia Sheng

6. George

Hope to hear from you all soon

Now i get the hang of it

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 13:11:48 GMT

Despair is the only word i can think of that can explain my current predicament.

An air mail arrived at my door step yesterday. It was from Singapore Polytechnic, i'm accepted into their Diploma in Computer Engineering course which will apparently commence in April. Here's the dig. Should i accept this offer, i will have to report down at the polytechnic next Monday (March 24) to register myself as a student, get my cards, get a medical checkup and last of all, to pay an installment of $1700 (roughly RM 3K). If i successfully finish the registration process next week, there will be an orientation week one week before the commencement of the course. So, my problem as of now? I am still waiting on NUS and HKU to give me their answer... I don't understand, my friends have at least received their offer for NUS, but i'm still left in the dark. So is HKU. Here and now, i am faced with a choice.

Choice one:

I go down next Monday to Singapore and burn RM 3K to save a spot at the polytechnic just in case i don't get NUS or HKU which they will have to reply by end March. The reason in doing this is because even though i burn 3k, i can still decide to not go on for the course when it starts in April. Note by the way, i have HKUST waiting for me, all i need to do for that Uni, is to convince them to give me the full scholarship that is worth HK 120,000 a year with my 2 essays.

Choice two:

I don't go down next monday and save 3k but also expose myself to the risk that IF i don't get NUS and HKU, i will have to put all of hopes and chances onto HKUST for the scholarship, cause if i don't get it either way, i'll have wasted one year, reason in being i cannot afford to pay the full tuition fees, not to mention the living expenses and hostel rates.

I have until Friday to decide... And i'm still 50-50 at the moment, what should i do? Never have i faced such a decision before, and i know whichever i make, it will affect me for life, and i mean it this time.

Photo Album: Hong Kong one day trip

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 05:17:37 GMT

Hong Kong one day trip

Entrance to Stanley market

I just thought of it

Mai Tre and me

Its really HOT!!

Boys will be boys

Su Yi and me

View from repulse bay beach

CHAM!!

More Photos...

Photo Album: HKID card registration day

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 09:42:16 GMT

HKID card registration day

Having Lunch after HKID card done

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Basically the same table, other side :)

Hong Kong legislative administration building conference room

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Photo Album: 2008 Birthday party at RedBox Pavillion

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 16:01:38 GMT

2008 Birthday party at RedBox Pavillion

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Photo Album: HKUST

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 16:00:24 GMT

HKUST

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Photo Album: Langkawi - You guys gave me the photo's :)

Sun, 30 Dec 2007 14:31:29 GMT

Langkawi - You guys gave me the photo's :)

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