Reaching out

Yep.. I've got complaints alright. Friends have been saying that i write too many depressing things. A note to self, complaints received. I have no idea why i decided to write this now.... Its like 5 am in the morning, and i've spent the whole night going through my maths stuff... Crazy stuff. Oh well, can't really blame anyone, not that good at maths anyway.

 

Here and now.... I wish i could share all my joy and blessing with the rest of you, but i'm not at liberty at the moment. I want to tell the whole world how happy and how fulfilling i've been for the past month because so much have happened to me that i could never have imagined nor prepared for. But I have to stop just right there, I can tell, but i can't tell why. Suffice to say, every moment i am passing through now, i just hope i have double the time :)

 

Perhaps i shall share what really makes me happy :)

 

Sharing moments (any moment that you can think of) with the person you love. Being able to care for the person you love. To be able to tell the person that you love anything and everything and have the chance to listen to all they have to say. To pat them on the head and tell them everything will be ok. To share their burdens and hardship. To embrace their strengths and accept their weaknesses. To wake up every morning and see their face, wishing them 'Good morning'. To cook their favourite food. To suprise them. To know that they still appreciate what you did although your suprise didn't really suprise them at all :P. To hold their hands close to your heart and tell them 'Its beating for the both of us'. To argue over something and get over it knowing that we understand each other better now. To face challenges together. To watch the sunrise and sunset together. To grow old together. Not dying before your life partner... and the list goes on.

 

But i get the tendency to doubt what i have.... I always ask myself, 'Do i really deserve all these? If i do, why? If i don't, why?' Sounds contradictory to my own beliefs... but i tend to think like this. Perhaps i think too much for my own sake :) Now? I no longer doubt myself.

 

A few nights ago, I made a decision. I'll admit that it wasn't a decision that i thought i would make at this time and age. But i won't regret it, and i will honor it. I am sure that i made the right decision. To be able to admit the decision in front of you, was my greatest blessing. God willing, I pray i'll be given the strength and wisdom to carry out my decision till the end :)

 

I am changing lines..... for the better, for the future. :)

Here is anoher story that I want to share.

 

There used to be an angel that worked for God. The angel was very efficient in dealing with every task that was set by God, but he had a drawback - The angel was very impatient and he tend to do rush a lot when he does something. One day, God sent this angel to bring him a particular snail. The angel set out immediately and with his personality, found the snail with a sweat. The angel told the snail that God wanted to see him and that he was sent here to lead him to God. The snail agreed and the angel led the way. The angel flew a distance away before looking back and realizing that the snail was not behind him, so he flew all the way back only to realise that the snail had only moved a portion away from where he originally was. The angel asked the snail, 'Is this the fastest that you can crawl?' The snail replied with a smile saying, 'yes, but i will try to move faster.' The snail continued to crawl, only a bit faster than his original speed but was it was still intolerable by the angel. Along the way, they passed through a forest. It was green, cool and refreshing. The angel felt the sensation to be quite new to him as he has never seen a forest before. So, he asked the snail of their present location. 'Well dear angel, this is a forest. The trees breath out to us as we breath in to them, they sustain all the different life you will see here. Have you not seen this place before?' The angel replied in a soft voice, 'Why NO!! Why have i not seen this forest before, i've been travelling this road up and down a thousand times before, yet i have never experienced what i am experiencing now.' They continued on their journey and along the way, the angel saw all kinds of different animals that he has never seen before. The elegance of the swan, the proudness of the lions, the cunning of the foxes, the singings of the birds, the savagery of the tigers, and many many more. At long last, both the snail and the angel arrived before God. God thanked the snail and sent him back to where he came from. The angel, feeling strange, asked God what was the purpose of leading the snail to him. God replied, 'it wasn't the snail who i wanted to go through that journey, it was you.'

 

Another really old story i stored up in my mind. So, what would you think the moral or thoughts of this story should bring? Feel free to blast open in the comments section.

 

Of course... of which part of my blog would be complete without me adding a few comments of my own right? To me... it simply means that we shouldn't rush about things and to only look at the goal. Sometimes, the journey is more important and more rewarding than the outcome. The outcome is simply just that, an outcome. If it is good, it is an added bonus. If it doesn't, at least you still gained something from your journey right? By journey, i don't just mean a long trip. A journey can mean a variety of things. Like your job, your friends, doing things together as a team... I'll leave that to your imagination. I completely agree with this because i am a person who looks toward what i will gain DURING the journey, but not AFTER the journey. Of course, i will be extra happy if i get what i want, but if i don't, i still haven't lost right? When i say 'coming about' on my title, i really mean coming about. If i were to put it into a metaphor, it would be like 'I reached the tip point in my life, dropped all the way down to zero, than sprinted all the way up again in the span of 12 hours'. (Horrible metaphor i know)

 

Either way, there is extra meaning to what i said up top, and i hope you would understand (yeah you, you know i'm talking about you). Those 12 hours were the longest 12 hours i've ever had in my life, longest.....

I want to share a story.

 

One evening, a very rich businessman was walking down the beach. He saw a fisherman and his grandson sitting by the white sand enjoying the sunset. The businessman approached the fisherman and they began to talk. The businessman asked the fisherman, 'why don't you catch more fish so you can earn more money?'. The fisherman replied the businessman, 'what would i do then with the extra money?'. 'Well, you could buy a bigger boat so you can catch more fish and earn yet even more money.' 'And what would i do then?' replied the fisherman once again. 'Then you can use the extra money to set up a small shop in which you can buy fish from other fishermen and sell them off at a higher price and earn even more money.' And so, the cycle repeated, with the fisherman continously asking what he would do with the extra money, and the businessman suggested he open a market next, than a company, and eventually be the CEO of a multinational corporation, just like him. Towards the end, the fisherman asked the businessman, 'Now that i am a CEO and have all the money i need, what should i do?' The businessman replied, 'well, now that i am so rich i don't have to earn more money, i can take my grandsons down the beach and enjoy the sunset.' The fisherman replied, 'well sir, isn't that what i am doing now with my grandson?'

 

I am not sure if you would get the moral of the story, but i guess it will be up to you to figure it out. There are quite a few lessons that can be learnt through this story. The businessman tried so hard in his life to earn so much money, but in the end all he wanted was to spend time with his family. Do you really need a lot of money for that to happen? I'm not implying that we don't need money in our life, because we all do, this is a society that uses paper bouched with confidence in order to do trade. A person can't be naive enough to say, 'I don't need any money, all i need is my family.' You can't feed your family with words alone. What i am trying to say is, there is no need to be too extreme, because sometimes in the process? We tend to lose out on things we never even realise, not even until it is too late...

 

The reason in me bringing up this story is because somehow deep inside of me, i feel depressed. It is as if everything just jumbled up into one big blot of confusion and uncertainty. As i said before again and again, uncertainty is the one thing i don't like, albeit i have to face them everyday.

 

But again, i can't really blame the businessman, he strived so hard to earn so much money, but the end game in his mind was to spend time with his family after all. I can't say he is selfish and unloving, because he did what he did so he could ensure the future of his family. In another sense, he would prove to be more responsible than the fisherman, because all the fisherman wanted was to be with his family, without taking further consideration of how his family could have becomed should he have worked harder. I know i'm getting all emo and stuff.... but just bear with me for a moment?

 

Now i'm guessing that you should be wondering what does my title have to do with all that pile of crap on top. The truth? There is nothing above that links to my title. As of now, i feel horrible. As i think back on the people who always confered with me whenever they had problems like this, perhaps i need someone to talk to, but i don't want to tell them anything... i just want them to know straight on what was happening without me saying a word. Sounds stupid, ridiculous and idiotic. But that is how i feel. I don't feel like talking, but i feel like showing. All my life, i have made decisions, but i guess nothing could have compared to the one i made not too long ago. I hate myself at times.... I mean, WHY THE HELL SHOULD I CARE??? The selfish thought of 'as long as i am content, why should i care about you?', why can't i practise that thought? Some of my friends were able to do it.... why can't i? I WANT TO BE SELFISH!!!

As i approach the one month marker of my stay here in Hong Kong, i'm having the feeling that things have started to get out of hand. Not that i mean that in a bad way, but rather the fact that i don't know where am i headed to.

 

I guess my friend was right, i've been trying to relate everything here to what i know and what i feel close to back home. But the fact is, nothing here is the same. People change, I change. We just can't relate everything we don't know to something we know just because we want to feel better or have the feeling that everything will be fine. That is just not the way, or at least i feel it isn't the right way to go to.

 

I've always been a strong figure to myself and to my friends at times. Some would seek me out for advice, some would just seek me out to displace their problems. Those times, no matter how busy, no matter how tired, no matter how close am i to a deadline without having done a single piece of job, i would be willing to put them down to listen and to offer my help. To this respect, perhaps i have been thought as someone as disorganized and unfulfilling. Someone that will be never be able to prioritize the most important things in my life. They say, the very fact that because i am as equal and good to everyone as i try to be, i'll never be able to reach the next step. The next step being having a soulmate. Have i proven them wrong?

 

But now that i think of it.... I... perhaps they were right after all. I'm having the selfish feeling that i only want to use my time for one thing, and one thing alone. I don't want to be sidetrack by being good, or by being over helpful. To what extent am i willing to do so without sacrificing my own wants? I can be selfish at times, i can be hard headed and i can be very bad tempered. These things i know. Should i change?

 

It has always been my nature to doubt myself and everything i tend to do. But now... all that have changed... Is it because i feel that i have someone beside me to share these problems with me? Another problem that i am coming to.... Friends tell me all the time that i am being selfish to the fact that i hardly ever share my problems with them. In a letter one of my friend wrote to me once, said 'Between the 3 of you (the 2 others being my other friends), you are the one i worry the most. You never let us help you deal with your personal problems and you never ever cry. I know you don't want us to worry, but at times, not telling us is worrying us even more.' I understand.... I really do.

 

But i can't help myself to share some of the problems that i have because i know i don't have the right to add extra trouble for them to the already every troubled everyday experience that we all have. Why should all suffer when i alone will suffice? But that WAS me.... Is it the me now? I don't want this to be the 'me' now, because... well, lets just say i don't want to keep things from.... you.

 

I wasn't kidding when i say that my heart was beating for 2 person everytime it beats. I don't want to hold you too close as i am afraid of chaining you, but i also don't want to let you go too far because i am afraid the bridge will collapse. Being sensitive? Nah... just me being crazy... Experience? What kind do i have to base them on? This is out my reach.... Funny to say since my whole blog has been named Reaching Out...

For what purpose should we base reason on?

 

Isn't it always the case where we ignore the rational and attempt the irrational in order to fulfill an unimaginable amount of uncertainty?

 

By coming here, i have taken a great risk. A risk that far surpasses the very foundation i base my thinkings on. I have failed in my scholarship application for the extra 120,000. I took a bet, and it backfired. With greater force. For this instance, i feel that Newtons third law does not apply....

 

The question rises, what am i doing here? The very simplicity of this question raises an unimaginable amount of doubt and distrust to myself. I tell myself there are other ways out, i tell myself and others that nothing is impossible, but i don't even believe what i say!!! As if my famiy is not burden enoughed, and by telling them i don't have the extra scholarship.... I don't have the courage to check my mail anymore. With that in mind, i hate to tell myself that i have to forego all that i have here now. 3 weeks may sound short... I just don't want to lose everything here. Sounds selfish i know.

 

In the very instance that all these happened, something good came out of it. I'll perhaps use another way to express this. Within this very instance, my heart beats faster than ever before. It is as if every heart beat is beating for 2 people. A feeling that i have not felt for a very long time. The feeling i want to hold on to forever, never letting it leave my side, never letting it feel sadness but only happiness. Everything feels like a purpose now, there is no reason involved, i only want to put unlimited amount of time in it, and wish that it would stay with me side by side till the end of times.

 

I am not being weak, feeble or exploited. For everything in me tells me that this is right. Possibly nothing else can be as more right than this.

 

In a word, love.

 

Reasons? There shouldn't be one. It is the attempt to understand everything through reason that destroys the foundation of being rational. Perhaps it's just that, rational and reasons don't come hand in hand. Or perhaps, i am clouded by my own bias of everything, a bias of myself unable to believe what i should believe.

 

For now, let me live in the present with this feeling, i ain't care about no past, and i ain't afraid of no future. Let them come.... it is always inevitable.