Reaching out

Dead in the middle of the night and i can't sleep. Its almost 4am now, and i know i should be tucked tight on my bed and wander off into dreamland where i might get the chance to see and hug my dearest. Here i am stuck in front of the computer and i can't think of anything else to do other than write something. I guess i could report on what happened throughout the day.

As always, woke up and headed for church, only this time, it was held in one of USTs' lecture theater. It felt really strange though when i stepped in, felt like i was going for a lecture, haha. Yeah, but the original venue which we always go to was closed due to the influenza pandemic currently going around the world, and it also had to undergo some renovations too. So, we will be stuck at LT-E for the whole summer :) Had lunch with Din and Denis after church and i went back. Chatted with dearest for a bit then left for city-u to attend a meeting regarding SA.

Well, i volunteered to be the president and was accepted gracefully and later on, we went on the discuss our respective roles and the activities that we were to be responsible for during our tenure as SA executive committee members. Sounds like a great challenge too :) I'm sure that our group will do just fine and i hope to be able to bring in something new to the SA this year. The meeting ended at about 9 pm, and i went back to UST. Arrived around 9.45 pm, gave my dad a call and asked whether he still wanted to conference and we did so. Yeah, so we chatted a bit, talked about my summer plans, courses, grades, interns and stuff, family concerns were part of the agenda too and about my arrangements when i get home. Also, we talked about my MSN name apparently, cause i put missing you.... apparently it made a fuss out of him, lol. Said it was too expressive or something. Well, i don't see anything wrong with it, and i know i am not desperate, i just miss my dearest, and there is nothing wrong with missing the person you love right? I miss my family too, my friends and everyone else too. So, there is something wrong just because i am more expressive than most guys? Well, i'm not just any guy, i happen to be the guy who has found the love of his life and has future plans and commitments with his dearest, so yeah. Dad also mentioned something about me and my commitment, but i believe what he ultimately tried to say was, don't get committed. I understand his concerns for me, i know he's afraid that me and my dearest might get into trouble some day in the future and we might not work out then i'll get so hurt or something and i'll end up doing something stupid. For what its worth, i don't see me and my dearest going into that situation, sure we argue and have disagreements from time to time, but we sort it out eventually right? We both want us to work out so much that i know our love can keep us together no matter what, and i know i may sound naive for saying this, but we know each other very much even though it has only been 9 months or so. I love her and she loves me as much. We'll work out dad, please don't worry, and your son is not someone that will do something stupid enough that he will end up regretting for life. Su Yi is the one i want to live with the rest of my life and i want to take care of her. I love you so much dear :)

After concluding with my dad, chatted with my dearest for a few hours. When i first told her that i became the president of SA, i could immediately feel the change of mood in her voice and eyes. I know she is afraid that i will be too busy and working too hard. I promise my dearest, i will use my time smartly and effectively and i will never ever neglect you. You will always be the most important one in my heart and every spare time that i can give, i will give to you. I will always support and care and love you, and that will never ever change. I know you'll support me and be proud of me too :) I am happy for that, dearest, there is no other person on this world that i'd rather share with all these joy and work. You are the only one that can stand up to me and be by my side no matter what happens, and i love you for that. We talked for a long time after that and enjoyed each other's company for the night. This is for you my dear,

The night is dark,
Yet you are bright.
Shining and showing me the way,
Never dimming for even a second.
Your care,
Your gentleness,
Your heartiness,
Your love,
Gives me strength and confidence,
To tackle the challenges i face.
You hold me tight when i feel lost,
You dry my tears when i lose my grip,
You held me up high when everyone was looking down for me.
Nothing more that i want,
Than you.
My dear,
I love you.

Well, what more can i say? Its been a boring Saturday, nothing much to do, didn't do anything at all the whole darn day. Woke up exceptionally early (about 7am) considering i slept at around 4am the night before, or should i say morning. Surprisingly, not did i even feel tired, i felt more energetic than ever. Sigh... here i thought that since my dear will be going out the whole day, i would have woke up in the afternoon and have less time to feel bored and tormented, lol. Well... that plan failed miserably, ended up booking my flight tickets, which i can say is THE ONLY productive thing i've done for the day. So, yay, hurrah, coming back on the 4th of August.

Spent the rest of the day on Dota and random microsoft games, minesweeper in particular. Found some time to search on some stuff about generational sins. There seems to be 2 beliefs about this fact. Something that i am not too sure about either. But they both seem to be backed up by solid evidence (mainly scripture), one is the belief that generational sin exists and that the son must confess not only his sins, but also sins of the family. The other belief is that a person will be judged on his own account when the time comes, and him alone. So... what does this make me? Which one is solid? I can't deny either because both are backed by scripture, so what is God trying to say here? If i am not mistaken, i believe what my dearests' mum want is from the first one and to confess not only my but also my families sins, especially those of my dad. But eh... it also says, i have to do it continuously until he repents.... So... yeah... SHIT! You know, if Calvin were here, he would be all out to persuade me that all these is bullshit and he would have some sort of reason behind it, ah well, i never really won an argument with him before. But he's never really despised Christianity either, so he's kinda strange. The type of person who would believe what is rational and makes sense, doubts everything else.

Just so happen when i was typing this, chatted with an old friend from my badminton team back in high school. Makes me remember all those times that i spent with the team, where we ate, drank, trained, slept and yes even on occasion, bathe together (all guys of course). I would miss those days when i would wake up in the morning, go to school, finish classes at 3, then head down to the hall either for training or just to play with the team. Then we would always wrap it up before 5.30, and by then, my grandfather would sometimes be pissed because of waiting for me at the carpark, lol :P Haha... but it was really so much fun, training and having fun at the same time. I love badminton, not only because it was what i was good in, but also it was a place where it gave me back my confidence and my identity. It was something that allowed me to go the extra distance whenever i thought i was too tired to do something. My coach was an inspiration to all of us, and i believe what he did then still had its effects to this day. I loved my team, i loved everyone. It was something great to feel and see when everyone was working soooo hard to reach a single goal and target. We were not the best amongst the 8 private schools in the KL and Klang valley, but i doubt any other team can beat us when it comes to team spirit. I promised that when i returned in Aug, i would hook up the other 3 seniors and return for a friendly match :) Hope that i can still play decent badminton, lol, not after so long of being out of training, haha.

Well... this is still boring, doesn't change the fact that it has been a boring day. You know... at the rate i am going, i might really get depressed. I'm not a party animal, and i don't really like going out for drinks and stuff, and most of my friends are already back home, and yeah... my darling is watching a movie atm... Bah... get a life you might say... dear ah dear.... cannot watch later meh? :P

Just talked with my aunt too, for 2 days in a row. She doesn't seem to be doing well, depressed most likely. Can't blame her, fear in the heart is hard to cure, besides she is mothering En Xin now, my dear sister. Don't worry, i will take care of our family no matter what, she will always have a big brother here for her, dad and i will take good care of her no matter what. You know... all of a sudden, this generation sin thing... oh i don't know, when i think back about what my grandmother used to say... I had to be put into incubation when i was born, Henri's mum also had difficulties when she went through with natural birth, and Henri had to come out through surgery, when En Xin was born, my aunt lost her uterus and almost her life. Somehow, being my fathers' child is no simple feat, lolz :P Yeah, but it comes through to me to think that... are we really cursed? Well, not my place to ask if this is fair or not, but if we are indeed cursed, perhaps i should live through it alone. Come to think of it, i used to think that my ex left me because i was cursed for somewhat reason i don't understand, that i would never find true love or have a lasting relationship. Everytime i think like this, i just feel to be left alone and hope that no one bothers me for the rest of time for fear of being cursed by me and my family.... sigh...

Well, back to my aunt, feel helpless, just like how i felt when my daer said she was afraid. I tell myself i can take all of these, i can hold up the entire mountain by myself if i have to, in fact i must when the time comes. Yeah, i know no matter what i say or do, i'll never be able to understand what it is my aunt is up against. Besides, cancer is not for everyone, lol. Perhaps what i'm more worried to is how my father is dealing with all of these. You know, she even asked me to be patient with her when i get back, says that she will explode at any moment. Well, i guess i had 2 whole semester of training for that :) Still, i'm not sure what to expect. Now i'm gonna have to think about what i am going to get them before i go back. Come to think of it, booking a ticket on the 4th sounds stupid cause it left me with no time to go shopping. I hope my finance exam is not at night or something, lol, so i can go shopping for stuff after i finish my exams.

Well... can't think of any other boring random stuff to write atm... things are pretty worrysome back at home. Hope that i will make a difference when i get back. And yes, i miss you too dear :) Love you with my all my heart... (Really.. cannot watch another time meh? :( )

My past is what defines me as a person. I've made every effort to keep my past alive because it is a part of me. Not something that i have been doing all this time i have to admit. I hated my family for what it is, its greed, its hatred, its betrayal. I always thought that because of all these values, i would be brought up the same way, but somehow, my grandmother thought otherwise. I was always in a state of confusion ever since i was young. She would tell me things but do things in the opposite matter. I never asked why. I never got to see my grandmother one last time before they turned off the machine.... I always thought that she would have something to tell me... and i never got to hear it.

But i begin to understand what it is that she always wanted. She wanted a family. Something that i will yearn for now... My father has always said that since i lacked motherhood, i tend to look for love outside to replace that hole caused by my mothers' abandonment. I never did blame my mother... Should i? Should i learn to hate her? They keep saying its not fair for me... that i should ask for something in return. But is this right? I mean... i hated my family anyway, whats the difference in hating one extra person right? But it just doesn't seem right to me. I had no feelings for her whatsoever, so there's no reason to hate her anyway. I don't know... even though i met her on occasion last year, i still called her mum. But it never felt the same as i how i called my grandmother 'Ah Niang'.

There is nothing much to say about my father... what he did is what he did. Whatever it was on his mind that made him made those decisions will forever be out of my league, and i don't wish to understand it anyway. But i guess its how people see me too, that i will be the same as my father. They see his worst qualities in me, but my father has also achieved extraordinary feats throughout his life, much to my admiration, but none of which people will ever see in me. Even my father's best friends would say to me... 'Wah look so handsome like your father oo, make sure don't like your father you know'. My only response would be, yeah sure. The ability to pre-judge perhaps is one of man's unique and distinct nature, it comes from the need to look down at one person. I believe that to be the nature of that statement. But i have come to live with that truth, i accept it with grace. It is not something that i can prove by saying alone anyway, by actions will be the one to define me. Then comes the problem of, who will give me that chance to prove myself? Would someone be foolish enough to let themselves at a chance to be hurt by me just so i can prove a point?

Then you came along. Despite all my below average qualities, you looked up to me for guidance and protection. You loved me as fiercely as i have loved you, like there will be no tomorrow. Never before asking me for prove, and accepting me for who i am. For that i am thankful. At least i know that in this world, there is someone who acknowledged me for who i am. So... my dear, do not worry :) I never judged myself because i accepted what i am, and i am sure your parents will do so too in time. God willing, i will wait, wait until eveyrthing is right. I always believed that i went through my childhood for a reason, that i had to go through all my ordeals for a reason. Maybe its to touch you and your family in some way that i do not yet know, or maybe its for some other purpose that God has not yet shown. But one day, everything will be clear. And it is definitely clear now that i love you so very much.

Memories can do a lot to a man. I never lived in regret, and i shan't start now. You shouldn't either :)

Spring semester is over and summer is on its way. Took up 2 extra courses to fill my time and also pray that it can help pull my CGA a bit higher.Spring semester was good for me :) Got an A and 1 A+ and hopefully another A-, at least when i go back, i won't be humiliated i guess :P Summer is going to be kinda boring for me too... Just sent my darling off at the airport 2 days ago. She will be going back home and only returning on the 27th/28th of August, so it will just be me and a few other Malaysians who decided to stay and the whole summer for us :( Not too sure whether it is a good or bad thing, but one thing i am pretty sure is... i am probably going to feel lonely over here... sides... missing her already.. dear ah dear... why leave me here... :P

Nothing much to say i guess, haven't really kept track of what i have been doing these past few months. Everything just seems to get past real quick, its study study study and then exams.Already i have finished 1 academic year and it all felt so quick, like a blink of an eye. But all of a sudden, summer seems so long to past, these past 2 days without her by my side has been kinda torturing, not to say to an extent that i can't live my life properly, but it just feels empty... haiz... and that feeling is really hard to get by. I wonder how is it for her now.... does she miss me? They say that if 2 people think of each other a lot at all times, they can almost feel each other by their side. Perhaps this is a test, a test by God to truly challenge our bonds. It is true that God has never given me a challenge that i can never handle, even at times when i think it is too much, i always pull out eventually and with the most unexpected ways possible. And if this is indeed a test, i will brave it with all my heart because i know it is worth it, my love for her and her's for me will bring us through.

Loving her is perhaps one of the best thing that God has ever given me, and i will take up that responsibility and take care of her as long as i breathe on this earth. Love you so much dear... really miss you over here... i'll be praying for you everyday, and for us.

The meaning of intellectual in www.dictionary.com says that it is to appeal to or engage the intellect, while intellect just means the capacity for thinking and acquiring knowledge.At the same time, oppress means to burden with cruel or unjust impositions or restraints.

Now, you might ask why am i getting technical with such terms that you might already understand. Unfortunately, there might be some specific people that i unfortunately don't have on facebook, that do not understand the words, and they might never come across this note. Nevertheless, i have aways supported freedom of speech and especially expression of knowledge, and i will not have this go unheard of.

Hong Kong is a financial center of great importance to the entire ASEAN region and a place where cultures from the east and west meet and melt in together. As such, it is not hard to understand the importance of language in a place where people of so many different backgrounds mix, communicate and do business with each other. While the Chinese people in HK speak fluent Cantonese, they have no doubt realize the importance of the English language as it is the international language and still the most important language. Of course, with the rise of China, Mandarin will be equally important, and i agree as students for the next generation, the mastering of different languages will definitely be an asset. Also, it has always been a pride to Chinese people to retain their mother tongue as a sense of pride and their own culture. I have no objections against it, and i'd even support the preservation of dying languages.

Now that i have bore you with a brief introduction of my thoughts on the different languages in the world, i will start to make my point. As a university student, i have a sense of respect for written works of fellow students. Not depending on the quality, i believe that every written work (except for those who defame and discriminate) of a person is worth admiration. Unfortunately, for the event that i experienced, there were people who didn't like a particular piece of promotion email, and wanted to have it rewritten. The first excuse given was that the particular person felt that the piece of writing had 'a lot of grammatical errors'. Subsequently, i happen to be acquainted to the person who wrote this promotion email, and before i go on elaborating, i will give you a brief history of this persons' english qualification.

Back in Malaysia, this friend of mine attained an A1 in the English subject and 1119 (Essay) in the SPM exam. This friend also won numerous awards from the Australian New South Wales test for school students, having distinctions in the english paper. And most importantly, my friend attained a grade of 8.5/9.0 in the IELTS exam whom i am sure everyone is very familiar with.

Back to the story, so this friend of mine had me read the promotion email and asked me for my opinion. I read it through, and no matter how many times i read it, i can find NO grammatical mistakes. Ok, so, you might think what my qualifications are to even say this. Similar to my friend, i have achieved an A1 in my english subject as well as 1119 in my SPM and UEC exams. Also, i have high distinctions from the New South Wales test for school students for 3 consecutive years. I apologise if you feel that i am boasting my credentials, but i feel that it is necessary for me to explain myself. Yeah, so, i saw NO grammatical errors. My friend therefore replied to this person explaining that no grammatical errors could be found, and asked for further instructions.

The next day, this person called my friend and said that he 'thinks the email is too COMPLICATED, and that it should be SIMPLIFIED'. Now, i understand the need for summarizing, but this is just too much ain't it? Besides, the first excuse didn't even correspond with the second excuse. I mean, just take common sense!!! What does grammatical errors have got ANYTHING to do with being TOO COMPLICATED?? NOTHING!! NOTHING AT ALL!! A big pile of BULLSHIT!! So, the issue here now is that since you think it is too complicated, my friend should downgrade the quality and standard of the promotion email so that it is simplified?? Another big pile of crap. Oh, i haven't even mentioned, the promotion email in which my friend wrote for is an ENGLISH based club...

I come back to my title. The by product of intellectual oppression. I can understand that you are catering for the needs of the students as most of them are Cantonese speakers. However, to limit another person's ability to converse in the art of writing is even worst than putting the Jews on the death train! Can a person really be more evil than Hitler? Well, i found that person....

I would really much like to receive feedback from this, positive or negative, so tell me what you think, or better, share your similar experience if you had any.