Reaching out

What a day!!

 

Great party i must say. I had lots of fun today. Hope you guys did too.

 

In a way, i feel like i can't write about this event in a blog. I know that i have to record it somewhere to make sure memories like this never get wiped out. But at the same time, i feel that the feelings and emotions i had today cannot be substituted onto words alone. I was hoping that pictures could do the job, but i HAD to forget about my camera... Sigh. At the least, ZZ brought his camera :) (Thank god)

 

In a few months time, most of us will be away. Including me. The prospect of travelling to Hong Kong is appealing and it excites me to the limit. At the same time, it scares the living shit out of me as well :P I love adventure, but the unkown part of things is also what excites me. Unknown variables scare me, but it helps me to get prepared, because i like to get prepared for things i don't understand, things i don't know. It makes me feel that i have a certain purpose to attain, to achieve. Something worth living for in a matter of speaking.

 

When i get the pictures off ZZ, i'll be posting them onto this blog, be sure to check back often for the pictures :)

 

Cheers to all

 

(PS. I'm still waiting for Wens party to commence :P)

Yesterday, i returned to my former school for a celebration of teachers day. It was something initiated by my old class of senior 3 science and agreed promptly to return and meet my old teachers, as well as some friends. I arrived slightly around 9am, the events had already started and most of my classmates were not to be seen around. Oh well, i should have known about their punctuality when it comes to time. Aside from that, it was pretty nice chatting to my old teachers and meeting the badminton team now. It feels like everything is so different and so much has changed. Don't take me wrong though, change is good, change is what makes people mature and grow up differently, i just never thought that this change would have been so fast and unexpected.

 

Coincidentally, i met up with her.

 

Not to say that i didn't expect it, but it caught me by suprise.

 

For half a year now, my first sighting of her.

 

She didn't change much, still pretty, long hair, charming, dazzling, loving and her ever elusive smile. Only then did i realise how much i really do miss her and still have feelings for her. We chatted for a while, i asked her to my party, she said she would try to come. Well, it could be hard, considering its a Saturday and its a schooling day for her. But she said, she would try. I never dared myself to look at her eyes for more than 2 seconds, what a coward! I never got around to asking whether she is in a relationship with someone or not, nor got the courage to ask whether someone is pursueing her or not. I'm in a state of unknown. It scares me a lot. Have i lost out? Has someone else already succeeded in winning her heart? I honestly don't know, and for the sake of it, i don't really want to know. I fear the answer i seek will consume me from the inside out without me even knowing it. Why am i so persistent? But it all comes down to this, i never even told her how much i missed her... and the fact is, my conversation with her.... well, it wasn't even a conversation say to speak. She was with her friends, and it was more of me asking questions about the badminton team anyway. A lie to sooth myself, a way of making myself believe that i have gone through the worst of times. But when i slow down and think of it, i realise how good i've been at lying to myself that i didn't even realise it until its too late. But i was true to the part that i never dared look at her eyes. In 2 months time, i'll be gone. Thats easy enough, i have the plane tickets and i can just fly off. But what if my feelings for her never go away? Will 4 years be enough... or will i end up coming back and reliving my history for times to come.... is it really a choice for me to make? Is it really even a choice?

 

Memories... i feel them living inside of me. And. She is in most of them.

Yesterday night was peaceful :)

 

A peace that i haven't really experienced for some time now. It feels kind of void, and i'm missing out words that i normally would have used in typing a blog. I guess its been really some time since i really stretched my head to write something long and ardous for you guys to read. I honour the notion that i should start using "lah's" in my text to make it more home feeling :P

 

To be absolutely honest, its been a long time since i really had some kind of contact with the outside world since that incident of mine involving lawyers and legal councills. It was tiring and sort of boring, but it had to be done, for the safety of my family and perhaps some of my closest friends, it just had to be done. But i'm glad thats over now. You know la... These kinds of things bore people down to an insanity point where they break open and tear apart every stretch of humanity they have left in them.

 

But yesterdya night, that was totally different. The conversation was fluid, and i trust everyone has matured enough to take responsibility for what they say now. Its been a whole lot different to talk yesterday than to talk then. But without the past, we will never be who we are. I honour my past, feel excited about my future and take complete control of my present. Its how i live, and how i will live. Its really as simple and as hard as that. I really miss all of you, while the most of you are embarking on a whole new journey to further strengthen your knowledge and integrity, some of you might still be searching for whats best for you to take upon as a responsibility. I believe that too will play a part in your future, and for whats it worth, choose it well.

 

For me, perhaps i have made my choice. If all goes well, August 20th will be the day i set foot on new soil and take upon challenges that i would never have forseen ahead of me as i strive to succeed in a way that i hope i can still be morally correct. For me, an education is well... an education. It helps define who i am, but it doesn't make me who i am. To all my friends out there, your education level reflects much of your maturity. As we go on higher and higher, our maturity level goes up with it. To me, education helps me to be a person i want to be, but i won't let it dictate what i will be. For in me, i already have a person in mind to who and what i'm going to be. Its just that i hope i can keep on it, and for the rest of you, your own reason and dreams will be realised in a rational and suprising chain of events, much of which you will never start to notice until you have achieved your final goal. That, i believe, will go the same for me as well.

 

I look forward to meeting you all again on the 14th of June and of course, on 28th of June. See you all then. Thats all for now. (PS: If you don't have a dictionary with you now, i believe its time to tell yourself, I did it :P)

Give me reasons to go on walking forward. Give me reasons not to give up. Give me reasons to go on. Give me reasons to not just throw everything out of my life and live the way i want to. Take everything from me....

 

I always tell myself that i live in a good world. That i am given only the best, be they through friends, work and family. As much as i like to lie to myself about most of them, i find it hard to accept the fact that everything i've lived up to now will only go to waste if i don't give in now. Should i do the right thing and risk everything i treasure and love? Should i just accept a fault that i did not do just to appease everyone else? I don't know what i'm going through.. If this were me asking this question a few years ago, i would probably have just said, Oh hell, just do i want to do, I will never admit to something i never did. But this is not the case anymore, its not so simple or less complicated as things i have come onto before.

 

GOD DAM IT! I don't want to be a god, i want to be ME!! Why can't I be selfish? Why can't i just think of myself and what i want? I want to quit thinking for others. But i just can't. The very essence in me is telling me to think of a better way to solve this. BUT THERE IS NO BETTER WAY!! But I have to, i can't have it my way, but i can't let them have it their way too... Sometimes, i ask myself, what is really at stake here.. is it my pride? My honour? My way of life? My principles? Then again, will all these just be as useful if i just toss them out the window anyway?

 

The question lies in between morally wrong, or morally correct. Simply said, Lawful Good? Or Lawful evil? I am so not in a position to make these decisions anymore, yet one has to be made.

 

Sometimes, i feel like a bread. Spread with jam and butter, and people start chewing onto me, bit by bit, piece by piece, until i lose the very foundation of what i am to be.... Soon from giving up? Perhaps i already have... perhaps....

I guess its time i conveyed what happened over the past few days. I owe it that much to the people who were worried about me.

 

That day, when i asked you guys out only to say 15 minutes later that i'm not ready to tell what was going on, the problem was this. I was in the middle of a lawsuit with a very powerful person. At least my whole family was in the lawsuit. We were sueing a particualr person up to 500k for unforfilling his part of the contract and denying us of our 0.2% commission, and using our name to apply for something that we would never have gave our consensus. Well, as it goes, things got ugly. As i said before, he is a powerful man, that is why we were receiving some threats. Threats at some point where it came to a part where lives were at stake. Forgive me saying this bluntly, but i truly cannot make this anymore easier for everyone to understand. You would know why someday. For the past few days, or rather weeks, as stated in my previous blog, fear was the only thing on my mind. Although the matter has not been settled at the moment, the only thing i am doing now is putting in enough courage to have my story known. Believe me when i say, don't try to help. Don't play hero, this is something our of our league... something i wish i didn't set foot on in the first place... Sigh, if only i knew.

 

If you think that was bad news... Hear this out. I went for a full medical check the past few days. My backache has been giving me sleepless nights for some time now, and i just took the initiative to check it out. Well... lets just say its not something very pleasant to know. I need further test to confirm this, but chances are, the outcome won't be very optimistic. Suprisingly, i feel nothing of this news. Perhaps, something not being too tied to relationships will help you easier to let go, as i have NOTHING to let go anyway. But, its just all speculation at the moment, my detailed report will be out on Saturday. Whichever way the report is going to say, for sure nothing will affect my friendship with you guys :) Have faith in me, please?